It's all coming back
by colombe.de.pluie
Summary: how a diary and Coster can put Harm and Mac together... chapter 6 on line
1. Default Chapter

JAG (col.saramac@caramail.com) 

PG

Disclaimer yeah, of course i own JAG and that's why I'm writing that !

Romance Harm/Mac A bit of adventure, suspense…

Author's note : Extract from 'Winter's Talks' by _Dinese_n. 

Songs : Next plane out, Love doesn't ask why, Sorry for love by _Celine Dion _

(some extracts are included in the dialogues)

This is my first fanfic so be nice. plus, English is not my mother tongue, so would you excuse my mistakes please (I'm learning British so there must be some mistakes for the American words) sorry…

if someone wanna be my beta reader, it would be great.

****

Mac's apart

7.30

Mac was now ready for work. She has made up her hair, put her uniform, blushed her cheeks for not being too pale in front of the other members of JAG. She turned back a last time before knocked her door. 

She slowly went downstairs just and drove to JAG. Something tormented her. Something, but she didn't know what. She finally arrived at the headquarters and decided to let her troubles on the side for the day.

She came into the building, said hello to some colleagues and entered her office. As she did not want to be disturbed she put down the blinds on the windows. Immediately she began to study one of her cases. 

As she was searching arguments for her client defence, she found herself lost in her thoughts. She was up, looking through the window. The sky was quite grey and some clouds began to appear. The sky seemed to be as tortured as her mind was. It was not raining but something was going wrong. Something was to happen

The hard, inexorable sky over the building suddenly broke, there was a sudden peal of thunder. On all sides the incessant whisper of falling water re-echoed on the ground. 

As the drops rain were falling down, she did not notice the tears that began to fall on her cheeks. 

She was thinking about him again. How her life goes badly when he was not around her. She was always searching for his support, his smile, his presence.

Why life is so cruel she thought. She was looking back through the years, memories that all lead up to this one day. This day when she first met him in the rose garden. She thought he was heaven sent.

But now, many dreams lost along the way haunt her still. She has lost Mic and what he represents, a husband, children, a nice house… 

But her love was too much to bear, she just left it there. But now, she couldn't run away. She hasn't any valuable excuses to run away from JAG, from him.

She stood face to face with her heart that living without Harm, could only fall behind. They said goodbyes but their hearts did not hear, she needed him right beside her.

As if he had heard her mind desperately calling for him to come, he appeared on the doorway. She did not hear when he knocked on her door.

He was staring at her, trying to read her mind. Why is she so sad he thought. He softly called her.

Hearing his voice she slightly shivered. She turn and looked at him. 

He noticed the tears in her eyes.

__

He looks at me, all concerned. Up to now it could be for two reasons. Because I am his friend, or because…he loves me. Like I love him. I'd hate to stand there, looking him in the eyes. It'd make me cry more.  


Harm : « Hey mac, are you ok ? »

Mac : « I'm alright Harm. »

__

I say it, but it's not true. I need him. I'd love his arms to hold me. I feel so right and protected when he is around . All the things we've been through together, don't we merit it? Why life is so complicated ?  
I've never felt this alone, not even when Mic had to leave me too…

I wanted to ask him, to know why is he letting our relation die without a blink of an eye. He told me that he needed time, but how much does he need ? What can I do to make him love me ? Maybe I don't deserve him…

He told me one day that finally it didn't really matter for him if we were well or not. He said 'we're not married as far as I know'

This day he tore my heart apart. He did it so many times. I want to stop loving him but I know I won't. I can not. I'll be waiting for him here inside my heart. 

I noticed I was staring at him for more than 3minutes and 44 seconds. I did not know what to do. Fortunately, (or it was what I thought at this time), the phone rang. I gave him an apologized look. He smiled but I saw concern in his eyes.

He left my office.


	2. chapter 2

I answered trying to concentrate myself on the interlocutor. 

Voice : Lieutenant colonel Mackenzie ?

Mac : yes ? Who's calling ?

Voice : I'm the inspector Wiley Colonel. I have the regret to tell you that your apartment has been burglarised. 

Mac: oh god ! I'm coming immediately.

I hang up the phone and went immediately to the admiral's office. He gave me the day off. 

*****

I went for Harm's office. I knocked on his door but he was not there.

I left the building and I saw him laughing with a young woman in the garden in front of the office. I felt new tears in my eyes but they did not fall this time.

I'm a marine. I would be stronger than that. I would not stay a minute longer. 

I drove quickly to my home. One police car was parked on the pavement. An inspector get out of the car running into the building because of the rain.

****

He was the inspector Wiley. I followed him upstairs, hoping that it was not as important as I thought. He gave me a pair of rubber gloves not to delete the potential prints. 

I entered my apart. Well obviously, the TV set, the stereo had been stolen. 

I immediately went into my bedroom. Some of my jewels had disappeared but anyway I did not have a lot. Just two bracelets and a necklace without any value. I even asked myself why a robber could embarrassed himself with such a thing. Well I thought it doesn't cost much. As I did not have any family jewels, I did not care too much about this. I opened my closet. I noticed that one of my dress was missing but all the rest seemed to be at the right place. 

Suddenly, I turn back and looked at my bedside table. I could hardly breathe. The first drawer was opened. I couldn't believe it. My diary ! He has stolen my diary. But why ? What kind of robber was he ?! What will he do with that. 

Sometimes I felt it was ridiculous to write a diary but I was told that it could help to express your feelings and that it was a good way to keep memories.

Oh god ! I do not want him to know my whole life !

My interior monologue was interrupted by Wiley.

Wiley : 'xcuse me ma'am. Have you noted what's missing ? I need it to do my report. 

I told him what I have noticed. He asked me if I needed something. I just wanted to be alone, to think. He said me he was sorry but as the burglar was not really significant, he could not really do more.

He left me and promised to call as soon as he got news. I know that nothing would be done. It was even rare to find big objects or valuable things so here what could be done ? 


	3. chapter 3

I began to finally understand what was tormenting me on the very morning. I decided to go back to work even if I had the day-off. But what could I do anyway ? Nothing.

So I drove back to JAG. I told the admiral that it was a minor rob. He told me that he was relieved to hear that. 

I left him and went downstairs to search some documents in the library. 

I noticed that Harm was working (alone) in his office. 

As I came back to my office, carrying several books, Gunny told me that an inspector wanted to talk to me. He was waiting in my office. 

I was surprised by the rapidity of the police. Well this man was definitely stupid. First, he stole invaluable things, he took my diary and not a few hours later he was arrested. Well finally, I was not so unlucky. I smiled to myself before entering. 

*****

Man : Colonel Mackenzie ?

Mac : Yes. Uh… well, I was expecting the inspector Wiley, you're one of his colleagues ?

Man : Inspector Wiley ? No, I don't know him. He must from another police department. I'm inspector Kyle from the criminal. 

Mac : The criminal ? But what are you doing on a simple burglar case ?

Kyle : Please, colonel, take a seat. 

I said as he told me. I did not understand what was happening and judging by his eyes, it was not good.

Mac : So tell me.

Kyle : I received a call from the jail yesterday evening. They have told me that the prisoner Custer had ran away.

I looked at him, without reacting. He was waiting for me to say something.

I finally whispered.

Mac : Custer, you mean the one who has killed Dalton Lown ? How did he do that? I believed he was always watching over ?

Kyle : they did not really explain that to me colonel. He was transferring to another jail when his bus had to stop on its way because of an accident. He is an ancient policeman, so he knows how we function. 

Mac : so have you got more information ?

Kyle : I'm afraid but I don't know anything else. If you want you can be under the protection of a policeman until we…

Mac : I'm a marine. I can take care of myself. Thank you. 

Kyle : Ok well, I give you my phone number in case he tries to contact you or anything else, if you need something…

Mac : thanks. By the way, my apart has been burgled on this morning. 

Kyle : I know, my team is already at your place searching for some clues. 

Mac : you can see that with the inspector Wiley, he had already done that.

Kyle : all right we will see if he had discovered something but we will do it ourselves anyway. Important things were stolen ?

Mac : not really. Just one I'm worrying about. He took my diary.

Kyle : According to the report, this man is obsessed by you colonel. No ?

Mac : yes. You're right.

Kyle : he has killed your fiancé because he wanted you to be with him. Uh…I would like to know, colonel, are you engaged to someone ?

Mac : no my fiancé has left me and he is in Australia right now.

Kyle : ok. It sounds good for that part. Do you think you have written things which could jeopardize someone else ? 


	4. chapter 4

I wanted to say no, to say that nothing could never happen to Harm by my fault but I hear myself said yes.

I look deeply in Kyle's eyes to see any trace of judgement but he just nodded. 

Kyle : well. May I know who is concerned ?

Mac : I'm sorry, I did not want to put him in danger. What have I done !

Kyle : you know it is not your fault. Don't blame yourself. 

Mac : what will you do if you know who is he ?

Kyle : if I have the choice, I will put him under the police protection but actually, we do not get enough proofs to begin such operation. Moreover, Coster certainly knows that the first thing we'll do is that. 

So well, if I were you colonel, I'd try to bring the person away from here just for a moment.

Mac : thank you Inspector.

****

I really liked this man. He seemed to understand me. He didn't want to embarrass me with personal questions and just accept what I said without judging. 

He left my office and I accompanied him to the hall. I shook his hand and promised to call him if something new happened.

As I came back to my office, Harm followed me.

Harm : you're alright Mac ?

Mac : it could be better.

He closed the door behind him and sat waiting for me to tell him.

I was thinking about a way to reveal him the whole story and made him understand that because of me he had to leave the area for a moment. 

I was listening to the sound of the rain falling down my window, praying for a gentle wind to keep Harm safe. Trying to be stronger but I'm not getting any longer. It's been too hard, I can't hold on anymore. I turn to him and as he saw the tears in my eyes he stood up and walked towards me.

He hold me in his arms as I was fighting against the tears. 

He whispered softly in my ear

Harm : I'm here Sarah. 

How could I resist when he called me Sarah…

Harm : tell me. What's wrong

Mac : he's back Harm. 

Harm : Who's back ?

He felt me tensed in his arms but said nothing. He did not want to rush me.

Mac : Coster.

I could hardly pronounced his name. This time I felt the tension in Harm too. 

He released me a little to look in my eyes.

Harm : oh god ! What happened ?

Then I told him the whole story without mentioning the diary.

Harm : ok. Don't worry. I'm here, I won't let you alone. I promise.

Mac : no, please. Don't do that.

Harm : Mac, I'm your friend.

Mac : I know that but… well I don't want you to be endangered because of me. 

Harm : Shh.. Don't you think I will be able to kick his six ?

I know he tried to relax me but I was too afraid.

Harm : Don't reject me Mac please. I want to be there for you. 

I looked into his eyes and nodded. 

Harm : Ok then. I will talk to the admiral. I'm coming back.

He kissed softly my forehead and left me.

*****

Harm : Tiner, is the admiral in his office ?

Tiner : yes sir, I'll buzz him for you. 

Tiner : sir, commander Rabb would like to talk to you.

Admiral : make him enter. 

Harm entered in the office

*****

Admiral : what can I do for you Rabb ?

Harm : Well sir, it's about the colonel.

The admiral sighed. He already knew that it was about her.

Admiral : yes ?

Then Harm told him the story. 

The admiral's face was suddenly crisped.

Admiral : why life is so cruel with her ? Well son, I want you to be with her every second passing. I want her to be as safe as possible ! Understood ?

Harm : yes sir ! That's why I was wondering if we can go away.

Adm : what do you mean by that ?

Harm : As a matter of fact, my father had a little house in the middle of nowhere and I think that maybe we could go there. 

Adm : Yes… I think it's a good idea. I hope it won't be too long. So well, give me some news ok. 

Harm : Yes sir. 

Adm : Dismissed.

Harm : aye, aye.

As he was retracing his steps the admiral called him

Adm : harm,

Harm : yes ?

Adm : Take care of her.

Harm : yes sir. 

****

He went out and joined Mac in her office.

He knocked and entered.

Mac : so flyboy ?

Harm : what do you think of taking some holidays ?

Mac : what do you mean ?

Harm explained her his conversation with the admiral. Ordinarily Mac would have refused. As she was a marine she could take her of herself alone but she just wanted Harm to be safe. She accepted his offer.

Harm : Ok so let's go marine !

They left the office, letting their cases to their colleagues. 


	5. chapter 5

They drove first to Harm's apart and he took some clothes and affairs and his guitar, -for the long evenings he told Mac.-

They then left for Mac's. A policeman was posted in front of her door. He let them enter. She did as Harm (except for the guitar).

*****

An hour later they finally arrived in a lost place. 

Getting out the car, Mac stood surprised looking at the home.

Mac : Harm? That's so nice ! I didn't know you had a home like this. I love this place. It's really beautiful.

Harm : I'm glad that you like it. It's been a long time for me. I have not come back here since I learnt my dad died. 

Mac : I'm sorry. I didn't want to bring you back bad memories. 

Harm : Not at all Mac. I used to come here with my mom and my dad. I don't really remember but when I'm here I can feel his presence. It sounds crazy but you know that I am.

Mac, teasing : just what I was to say

He smiled and opened the door. The house was pretty small but was very nice. It was a sort of chalet like in the mountain villages. The house was situated in the middle of an immense land. 

Harm : Welcome Mac.

Mac : oh ! That's really nice here. You're lucky to have a place like that.

Harm for himself : it's yours too Mac.

Followed by mac, Harm went upstairs. There were two bedrooms.

Harm : There is my child room, and here my parent's. Here the bathroom and I hope there's still water. They put their luggage on the ground.

Harm : Where do you want to sleep Mac ?

Mac : uh… I don't mind, it's your house Harm. Choose.

Harm : I don't know; it doesn't matter to me. 

Mac : ok so I'll choose your room flyboy. _I want to know how it feels to sleep in your bed Harm_

Harm : deal.

They go downstairs. 

Harm : so here ma'am, you can see the little kitchen and here the living room. 

Mac : hum… well, very nice, I think I can live with that.

Harm : perfect. So what do you want to do now ?

Mac : what about eating ? 

Harm : hum, sounds good. Well I think that we have to go the village we've passed through coming here.

Mac : let's go. 

As Harm opened the door, Mac took his hand 

Mac : Thank you for being here for me Harm. I won't forget.

He squeezed her hand and grinned 'flyboy-li.' 

They drove to the village and bought some food. They ate it at home and went to bed as the travel had tired them.

Harm : if you need something Mac, just call me. 

Mac : thank you Harm.

Middle of the night.

Harm stood up and went downstairs to drink a cup of water.

Mac's bedroom

Mac opened her eyes suddenly, beads of sweat stood out her forehead.

She began to know the movie by heart. Each night for a week, the same nightmare. She was walking in an inexhaustible space, a labyrinth of endless steps, and no matter how far she walked, no matter how well she came to know the place and the streets, it always left her with an impression of being lost. Lost not only in the streets but lost within herself as well. 

Each time she closed her eyes and slept she felt as though she was leaving herself behind. By wandering aimlessly, all places became equal, and it no longer mattered where she was as she was alone. Harm was gone, because of Coster. Because of her. She began to cry softly trying not to inform Harm.

However this one heard her and knocked on the door…


	6. chapter 6

Harm : Mac ? What's wrong ? May I come in ?

Mac : I'm sorry, don't worry. Just go and sleep Harm. 

He opened the door and sat next to her on her bed.

Harm : come on Mac ? What's wrong ?

Mac : I…. I always have this nightmare Harm. I'm lost in the streets and even if I walk faster and faster, I'm always lost. Even if I know the place, I can't find my way. 

Harm : don't worry Mac. It's just a nightmare.

Mac : I know. But this time… This time I know why I'm lost.

She stopped and breathed deeply. As he was waiting for her, she continued.

Mac : I know that it's because, you're not here. 

She looked away from him and closed her eyes. She hated her for being so weak sometimes. But she needed him and couldn't deny it any longer.

Harm : I'm here Mac. I'll always be if you let me.

Mac : I don't want that something happens to you Harm.

Harm : nothing will happen to me Mac. I promise you.

Mac : don't do promise that you do not hold.

Harm : Have I ever done ?

Mac : no. But this time is different.

Harm : Why ?

She knew he had to know. She had to tell him that his life was in danger because of her. 

Mac : Harm, I'm so sorry, will you one day forgive me for what I have done ?

Harm : Mac ?

Mac : I haven't told you the whole story Harm… She stopped and started again : He has stolen my diary Harm. He knows all my private thoughts and I have written about you.

Harm : what do you mean ? 

His voice was still with no trace of anger. 

Mac : I have written… 

I knew I had no choice, I had to tell him, to protect him, he had the right to know what he was risking. 

As I turn back to the window, he stood behind me.

It was the hardest thing I had ever have to do in my whole life. Of course I had passed through hard times but this time was different. I was to open my heart to the man I loved. I have always kept my real feelings hidden inside of me. I know that my heart would be broken forever but he deserved to know the truth.   


Mac : Believe me Harm, if I have ever known that he would find it, I would have never written it on my diary. 

I have written that I'm in love with you Harm, from the beginning. I have written that you're my reason for living, that without you, my life will not have sense. I know that you don't love me that way. 

I have tried to convince myself that we were just friend but my heart did not want to listen my mind. I have tried to marry another man to forget you but I knew it couldn't work. 

Don't ask me if this feeling is right or wrong, it doesn't have to make much sense, it just has to be this strong. Because when I'm in your arms I understand that I don't have a voice when my heart make the choices there's no plans. 

__

I stopped talking and looked at him. He was staring at me.

Mac : now I can feel that you're afraid to say. But we can't let this moment pass us by. If you ever walk out this door, what would I left to live for ? I just want to know Harm. For the first time in my life I have completely opened my heart, please, even if you do not love me, be honest.

Harm : I'm sorry. 

Wanna know what will happen ??? Is it really a Mac/Harm story ? *Evil grins*

(anyway thanks for the reviews)


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